Monday, August 2, 2010
a little more in depth than you'd probably like to read...you may skip this post.
you know the saying "pull yourself up by your own boot straps" ?? I think I need new boot straps. I've got toys that need to be put away in their own place for the boys. I've got dishes to be done. I've got primary stuff to do. I've got releif society stuff to do. I've got floors that should be vaccumed. I've got wood floors that should be mopped. Let's not even talk about the fact that there's a pile of laundry that I beleive is so big it could be inhabited by a small family of midgets as a nice size dwelling. I've got so much to do and I don't even know where to start- let alone get to it. So where does one get new boot straps? I keep feeling overwhelmed- I'd like to just feel whelmed, not over whelmed. I'm not asking to have all my jobs taken away, just some of them. I keep thinking I want to run away to the temple for a bit- but then it's all there when I get back. I want to escape for a while and read but the boys tend to enjoy a good meal 3 times a day, not including how often I have to eat... I think I've hit the duldrums. Isn't that from a dr. suess book? I just think I'm not cut out for this play that I'm in. This part seems like it's too big for me. I know the lord keeps reminding me that I'm exactly where I need to be right now in sweet tender mercies, but I feel like I'm ready to be carried, not just boyed up ya know? I sometimes wonder whether or not the pioneers had any moments where they just sat down on the side of the trail and asked to be carried. Or whether the lord just sent the angels to carry them before they asked? I'm not sure. I do know that my sweet jack, corban, and gabe are just the best at trying to cheer me up-but I'm just not feeling like being cheered up. I feel like if I'm cheered up about my situation I'm saying it's dumb that I was frustrated, and upset about it in the first place. When in fact all my worries, stressors, and to do lists are all quite crucial in their own way. On top of all this there are things I'd LOVE to be doing but don't feel like I can allow myself to do because my other things I should be doing aren't getting done. It doesn't really help too much when loving friends and neighbors look at me like I'm crazy while I'm chasing my two boys knowing that I have a third little person on the way. Or when they say "man you're brave" I don't feel brave. I feel very small. I feel very inadequate for this job. I feel so scared when they comment "you're going to have your hands full." going to nothing- my hands are already full. sometimes I wonder if anyone has actually exploded from stress...people always talk about it "my head's going to explode" blah blah blah but really? am I going to explode? if so, I don't think that boot straps are going to help at all in that situation. I'm pretty sure most of my feelings of inadequacy are being inflated by the emotional roller coaster that is pregnancy, but the basis for inadequacy is always there to some extent. The times I feel the least inadequate is while I'm doing hair, or watching corban help gabe with something- and being a sweet brother, and gabe is being sweet back. That gives me gratification. here's the catch. I don't feel like accepting very many appointments successively because of the awesome nausea every day. somehow having someone do your hair while "almost throwing up" a few times doesn't scream "AWESOME experience" to me. maybe I need therapy. if I went into my dreams I have each night I'm sure you'd probably say yes. who knows. maybe I'll try to do a little bit of something for myself and see if that helps. wow...I feel a little awkward publishing this post but It was helpful to write it all down and make all my feelings visible in text. hitting publish post will just help me get it off my chest. right?