Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Reasons the Church is totally true.

1. Because it really is. just ask for yourself. seriously.
2. Because our Heavenly Father loves and cares about our problems. Every. Single. One. of every. single. day.
3. (the reason for this post.) Because we have prophets to receive revelation about things we need help with. Exhibit A: The article in April's ensign: Facing infertility with faith. I admonish anyone with access to a computer or the hard copy of the ensign to read it. Become aware of the families suffering heartache with this trial. Be sensitive and understanding. And for the love of all that is good and holy STOP asking people "when are you going to have a baby?" or "when are you going to have another one?" or "don't you want a baby?". Those are all questions of EXTREME sensitivity, and are intimately personal. Don't try to pretend you're joking because it's not a funny subject.

Lately it seems that I have been exposed to, or just hyper-aware, of many families that are having trouble conceiving, not ready for kids, or having trouble adopting. here's my story.

Some of you know, and some of you do not, that we were quite satisfied with just having two boys. So satisfied, in fact, that I went out and made MEGA awesome 72 hr kits for our little fab four some. I could see myself as the cool mom with two cool boys. I could see us taking trips and having a blast and not worrying about needing bigger cars, or costing too much to travel. I didn't have to spend wads and wads of green in every store that had cute girl clothes. We felt good about it. We decided we needed to go to the temple last April to tell the lord of our decision. We were instantly comforted, and reprimanded so to speak. One of the reasons I was excited to call our family complete is the fact that I deeply abhor being pregnant. It really truly is miserable for me. I'm glad for those of you that love it to little bits and pieces but that's not the case for mrs. larsen. We felt the spirit telling us that we needed to stretch further. Another child was waiting for us. now. don't wait. Stop whining. you can do this. I know its hard- but this is the reason you're a woman-that you're you.
Really. this is what we came home knowing. We didn't know why it was us and not someone else. I was scared, but comforted in knowing that it was precisely what was supposed to happen to our family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I knew of no less than 10 close friends and family members that wanted desperately to have a baby- had been trying for a baby, praying for a baby. here I was feeling like I was complete with the children I had. We took a leap of faith and trusted that the lord knew what he was doing. By May I was pregnant. Many times I tried to avoid people because I knew of the heartache they were already suffering and I didn't want to add to it by announcing that we were expecting. I realized shortly into my pregnancy that maybe I just needed to be honest with everyone around me- I think it would have made it worse to just show up with a belly one day or to hear it through the grape vine. I started being honest with myself first. We were doing what the lord had planned for us and we shouldn't be ashamed, scared, or sorry for it. Prophets of old didn't apologize for bugging people before preaching the word of god, and following what he'd commanded them to do. Missionaries the world over don't knock on a door and say "oh, hi, sorry to bug you but we've got a message for you..."
So here we are- a family of five. Corban is too smart for his own good. Gabe is more the strong, follow the leader even if it's off the side of a cliff...type. and Chloe is giving us a run for our money-metaphorically and literally. We are stressed to the max most days but I guess that's okay. We know we're supposed to be here. in magna. right now. with all the craziness that seems to gravitate towards this little corner of the globe. with all the scariness that we'd rather not have around us. For whatever reason we're supposed to be pulled and stretched and pushed. We're doing our best to get a grip on what's important each day and take it one day at a time. If I look like a total wreck-please don't tell me- I know I look like a mess. That's what doing the important things takes right now. I'm focusing on my children more and less on everything else. I'm working on attaining more patience, and less worry. I want my children to grow up knowing that they had my attention any time they wanted it! and most of the times that they don't! I know that it's not easy...oh boy it's not easy...but it'll be worth it. I don't have to worry about what's happening down the road because we're not the ones driving. Thanks for listening.
ps. to anyone reading this, the lord hears your prayers, even the ones you don't say, the ones of your aching heart. let him in to comfort you. let him drive your family to where it needs to be. he's the one that knows the way you will be MOST happy in this life. promise.


Holli said...

I love you my dear Amanda! It's hard when the Lord has different plans for us, especially if His plan for us causes other people heartache. I've had quite a few friends suffer through infertility, and I almost didn't want to even try for another baby because I didn't want to hurt anyone. My very wise husband gently explained to me that we can't put our own family on hold. Now we're dealing with other issues, but I understand feeling the guilt, and no one can question any decision you and your husband make after consulting the Lord.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. It is awesome that you are focusing on your family. Sometimes I feel like I get too caught up in other things and it's my kids that suffer. They definitely don't deserve that.

I love you! You are such an amazing person! We need to get the crazies together soon. :)

Samantha said...

How is that every time I read your blog I feel like it is a DIRECT answer to pray. Seriously.

Thank you for writing.

Marie said...

I got a little bit teary eyed there... beautifully written. ;)

gillian said...

Well written, you show your love for your heavenly father by caring for those around you. Your dedication to your family and your callings is a great example to all of us. You're awesome, keep it up!

The Larsens