My Confession

Hi, My name is Amanda Larsen and I'm a dryer sheet addict.

Let me explain how I began the journey down this slippery slope. Picture this: I am 4 months pregnant with my first child- one of my activities I enjoyed was visiting the store late at night waiting for jack to get off work at Carrabbas. I had a sniffer like a hound dog. I couldn't stand the smell of anything stinky. Barf-o-ramma. I realized I was out of dryer sheets one night at the store so I decided to do a sniff test on them to figure out which ones to buy-makes sense when you love good smells and HATE bad smells. I started sniffing boxes. Different brands, different scents, everything. I. Fell. In. Love. with Bounce. So many delicious smells so little time. I bought my favorite one at the moment and left thinking I'd be set for a while. The next day we realized we needed something else at the store so while jack and I were at the store I showed him how good they smelled as we walked down the laundry isle. He laughed a little but liked the smell of my new brand. It was all down hill from there. Every subsequent trip to the store I found myself heading down that isle to sniff more. you laugh but I'm serious. I LOVED the smell. I started placing dryer sheets in different places in our very tiny first apartment- bottom of the trash cans, inside stinky work shoes, under each of the seats in the car, in sock drawers. Mmmm it smelled good. But I needed more. I started putting one folded sheet into my pocket so I could sniff it on days of hair school that proved to be especially stinky...not the perms and colors because I happen to enjoy those- just when we had more clients that weren't exactly showering regularly. One in my pocket turned into one in each pocket, then some in my bag, then a box in my car. I'd put the ones that I'd had in my pocket during the day back in the box-down a few layers- to "recharge" ha ha. I thought it'd be something that went away after I had Corban-ya know a crazy pregnancy symptom-but it just helped more to continue stashing them after bringing home a poop and spit up machine. I did get back down to one in my pocket after the pregnancy but everywhere else always has one :) Fast forward to today. We have a box in both our cars or at least 5 sheets all the time. I still keep them in my pocket (only one) and usually pull it out when I have to change gabe, or do some bad laundry. I use them as book marks in books-the book I'm reading always smells nice. I have 4 in my diaper bag so there's always a wonderful smell when I open it. do you think I need therapy? Hope this made you giggle a little bit knowing that I am joking around- but not all the way- there's one in my pocket right now. ha ha. love to all.

Ps. for those that are interested in my vast scent knowledge regarding dryer sheets these are my favorites.
Fresh Linen-my current scent- clean and fresh although a bit strong for ammeters.

Spring Fresh- this was my first "addict" purchase- I wouldn't use any other scent for 2 yrs. I've since switched it up because then I can fully appreciate a new scent again when I switch back.

Fresh lavender- very sweet and girly, very floral (hence the name duh). I don't use these ones very often- just when I need to feel girly.

suppose I should do another post so the depressing one isn't topping the page anymore...

so what to write about?

jack and I went to a dr appointment today- we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. It was really strong and the baby was moving all over the place- both good signs. She had to chase it all over my stomach to get a long bpm to measure. I tried to convince my dr that we should just induce me at 38 weeks so that gabe and this baby don't have birthdays so close together...but she said no. which is a good thing that she has me and the baby's health as first priority not a calendar.

I'm feeling less nauseated 100% of the time- and more just random dry heaves- so that's good. but I guess they're not even that random- it's more just when I change a diaper, brush my teeth, smell something stinky, or see something gross that it happens. so that's a plus.

Gabe went to nursery this past sunday for the first time. He was a champ- he didn't whine, or cry- he just went with the flow. He really enjoyed it and even said "bye bye" to the teachers and blew them kisses. I'm crossing my fingers that this week will go just as well considering I've got my first sharing time to do...so I can't go get him if he's having a melt down.

I get to go to the temple on friday and maybe twice- because I'd like to go that night with jack, and the primary presidency is planning on going in the morning.

Saturday is a baby shower for a high school buddy and I'm excited about that. Afterwards I'll meet up with my family in slc and we'll do some fun things downtown with the kiddos. it should be lots of fun.

see? I'm doing better. You don't have to worry about me anymore :) thanks for all the worry, concerns, and love that you sent my way though- I appreciated it very much. I'll try not to vent so hard core next time so I don't freak anyone out again ;)

a little more in depth than you'd probably like to read...you may skip this post.

you know the saying "pull yourself up by your own boot straps" ?? I think I need new boot straps. I've got toys that need to be put away in their own place for the boys. I've got dishes to be done. I've got primary stuff to do. I've got releif society stuff to do. I've got floors that should be vaccumed. I've got wood floors that should be mopped. Let's not even talk about the fact that there's a pile of laundry that I beleive is so big it could be inhabited by a small family of midgets as a nice size dwelling. I've got so much to do and I don't even know where to start- let alone get to it. So where does one get new boot straps? I keep feeling overwhelmed- I'd like to just feel whelmed, not over whelmed. I'm not asking to have all my jobs taken away, just some of them. I keep thinking I want to run away to the temple for a bit- but then it's all there when I get back. I want to escape for a while and read but the boys tend to enjoy a good meal 3 times a day, not including how often I have to eat... I think I've hit the duldrums. Isn't that from a dr. suess book? I just think I'm not cut out for this play that I'm in. This part seems like it's too big for me. I know the lord keeps reminding me that I'm exactly where I need to be right now in sweet tender mercies, but I feel like I'm ready to be carried, not just boyed up ya know? I sometimes wonder whether or not the pioneers had any moments where they just sat down on the side of the trail and asked to be carried. Or whether the lord just sent the angels to carry them before they asked? I'm not sure. I do know that my sweet jack, corban, and gabe are just the best at trying to cheer me up-but I'm just not feeling like being cheered up. I feel like if I'm cheered up about my situation I'm saying it's dumb that I was frustrated, and upset about it in the first place. When in fact all my worries, stressors, and to do lists are all quite crucial in their own way. On top of all this there are things I'd LOVE to be doing but don't feel like I can allow myself to do because my other things I should be doing aren't getting done. It doesn't really help too much when loving friends and neighbors look at me like I'm crazy while I'm chasing my two boys knowing that I have a third little person on the way. Or when they say "man you're brave" I don't feel brave. I feel very small. I feel very inadequate for this job. I feel so scared when they comment "you're going to have your hands full." going to nothing- my hands are already full. sometimes I wonder if anyone has actually exploded from stress...people always talk about it "my head's going to explode" blah blah blah but really? am I going to explode? if so, I don't think that boot straps are going to help at all in that situation. I'm pretty sure most of my feelings of inadequacy are being inflated by the emotional roller coaster that is pregnancy, but the basis for inadequacy is always there to some extent. The times I feel the least inadequate is while I'm doing hair, or watching corban help gabe with something- and being a sweet brother, and gabe is being sweet back. That gives me gratification. here's the catch. I don't feel like accepting very many appointments successively because of the awesome nausea every day. somehow having someone do your hair while "almost throwing up" a few times doesn't scream "AWESOME experience" to me. maybe I need therapy. if I went into my dreams I have each night I'm sure you'd probably say yes. who knows. maybe I'll try to do a little bit of something for myself and see if that helps. wow...I feel a little awkward publishing this post but It was helpful to write it all down and make all my feelings visible in text. hitting publish post will just help me get it off my chest. right?